Chester Gnome Day

This is my official entry to the Evil Squirrel’s Nest Tenth Annual Contest of Whatever!

After the trees are stripped bare of leaves and Autumn’s golden goodness has faded to grey, what is left to look forward to? The Halloween candy is all gone, except for the black licorice, hard candy and five cent suckers. Thanksgiving is nothing but a memory of week-long leftovers and cranberry sauce in the shape of half a can, which will lurk in the fridge until Christmas, when you will open a fresh can to replace the previous half-can.

In between Thanksgiving and Christmas, there is a lull…unless you buy your gifts online, in which case you’re already too late.

Fortunately, there is one more special day between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s a magical, mystical day. So magical in fact, that nobody ever remembers it.

I’m talking about Chester Gnome Day.

Chester Gnome Day falls on November 31, the least remembered day of the year. Because it’s magical. I think I mentioned that already. Pay attention, willya?

Not much is known about Chester, except for the fact that he is a gnome and particularly ill-tempered. Why? At the risk of sounding redundant, I don’t know. Perhaps I do know, but can’t remember, which is in keeping with the spirit of Chester Gnome Day.

Chester Gnome Day is the day when you can do whatever you want. Tell off that co-worker who keeps farting in the lunch room. Tell your boss to fuck off with finesse, perhaps with a nice dick slap in the back of the head. That person in your work place with the annoying voice? Scream in her face, every obscenity you know, and a few you don’t.

Chester Gnome Day is a day of no consequences. It’s kind of like that movie The Purge, except that nobody stays dead, nobody remains offended by your vile behavior, and you can fart in the lunchroom all day long without embarrassment.

Everybody gets a do-over, so do whatever you want.

And if you’re lucky, Chester Gnome himself will pay you a visit. Legend has it he will climb down your chimney late at night on November 31, just before the calendar turns to December, and kick you square in the nuts while you sleep. Ladies, expect a hard punch to the boob. Chester doesn’t discriminate.

The next morning when you awaken, all will be forgotten. Everything you did the night before will be undone. Even you will forget.

So if you wake up on the morning of December 1 with aching balls or a black and blue boob, you’ll know that whatever you did was awful enough to earn you a personal visit from the one and only Chester Gnome.

Some of my past entries to the prestigious COW:

2022: Friend or Food, or Both?

2020: The Murphy’s Paw

9 thoughts on “Chester Gnome Day

  1. Now there’s a day worth marking on the calendar! As one who works in retail, I think many people celebrate Chester Gnome Day during the entire last two months of the year, rather than on just one day. And I’d love to have Chester out on my lawn telling everyone to get lost, and maybe take pot shots at the kids who cut through my yard…

    Thank you for the entry! I always look forward to seeing what you will come up each year! Good luck!

    1. I hope you never consider ending the contest. I haven’t written anything new in months, and this gave me the motivation I needed. Plus, I broke my water bottle and need a new one. I plan to do some shopping in your store, regardless of the contest’s outcome.

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